Are You A Jerk?

I was listening to Sirius radio the other day and in particular the NFL channel. I’m a rabid football fan (yes, the American type) and have been for over 25 years. Unfortunately, I’m a Rams fan, so this time of year is usually reserved for studying the draft as the play-offs have long gone.

I was listening to one of the brilliant phone ins and have to confess having a chuckle or two to myself. It seemed all the Dallas fans that had been phoning in the week before to say how they were going to kill the Vikings were phoning in again to say how they felt like killing themselves.

If only they had to support the Rams for a year I thought, then they’d have something to whine about.

As I was driving along, one particular despondent and unhappy Cowboys fan came on the line. By the sound of it he was already throwing a rope over a high beam and I think it’s fair to say he was very, very pissed off.

At one point he said:

“This is an absolute disaster for the Cowboys”

I did a double take at the radio. A disaster? Really? What the hell does that make Haiti then?

Prior to our How To Be Rich and Happy teleseminar a week or so ago (and by the way we DID record it and will be posting it soon if you didn’t have time to call in), we sent out an e-mail asking people what questions they would like us to cover off.

One of the responses I received was:

“Is the correct use of language that important?”

I didn’t have time to answer it fully on the call although John made a valiant attempt. The fact is, I could have droned on for the entire hour and still not covered off all the bases of why language is not just important, but absolutely crucial.

You have a limited number of ways of making sense out of this world. Primarily you have you five most common senses of sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch. As well as those and contrary to popular opinion, you have other senses such as sense of balance, space, temperature, pain etc and they will also sometimes come into play.

Having all these senses at your disposal is very cool and make sure you take them with you always, but you still rely heavily on just two most of the time, and they’re sight and sound.

If you are like the vast majority of us you’re having tens of thousands of thoughts per day. Most of these are not new or original thoughts, they’re just the same ones playing on a loop over and over again.

If you have a thought:

“Why am I such a jerk?”

What do you think will be the net result of that?

Well if it’s a one-off, probably not much at all really, especially if it’s said with a laugh and you’re not being serious. But what if that thought is going round in your head for months even years on end?

What do you think that will do to your self-esteem?

The first problem with that is you’re speaking as though it were a fact, when in reality it’s a belief because you’re not a jerk. Each time you have the thought you embed it just a little bit further and then a little bit further again.

Eventually you have said it so many times you literally cannot believe it’s not true.  I honestly have had clients trying to convince me that I'm wrong and they really are losers!

A rich and happy person would never ask such a question. Firstly, they set their own reality and in their reality they are definitely not a jerk. However, it goes deeper than that because the question is problem focused and also permanent.

What I mean by that is to follow that question to its natural conclusion you have to look for reasons as to why you’re a jerk. It doesn’t offer any other opportunities unless you want to start arguing with yourself and we all know you’ll not win that fight.

Rich and happy people use solution focused questions. Instead of saying “Why am I such a jerk?” they’d ask a question like “What can I do differently next time to make sure I do better?” Or they may even say something like, “I acted like a bit of a jerk there, but no worries I’ll learn from that and make sure it never happens again”

Can you see the huge difference?

This approach forces you to think of a solution rather than focus on the problem. Also by saying “I acted like a jerk”  you’re using a presupposition that you’re not really a jerk, you just slipped into jerkness for a moment or two. And let’s face it, we all do that from time to time.

If you have low self-esteem or confidence I guarantee you’re using poor disempowering language that is also probably very black and white in its outlook. I also guarantee you’ll be giving yourself few options to look for solutions, but plenty of opportunity to beat yourself up.

The Dallas fan that thought the loss to the Vikings was a complete disaster is probably going to take a very long time to get over something that in the great scheme of things isn’t that important. I have sat through enough sporting losses to know they always seem worse at the time than they really are.

I was being serious too when I said “What does that make Haiti?” Seriously, where is there to go from disaster? Maybe to catastrophe, but we’re exhausting our options.

If you start to link something so trivial like losing a football game to a natural disaster that has claimed the lives of tens of thousands of people you are in danger of losing a grip on reality and thoroughly confusing your unconscious mind into the bargain.

When you have setbacks and/or are feeling down, think of the language you use. Make sure it offers you every possibility to search for solutions. Also ensure it isn’t permanent. Little outside death and taxes (thanks Mark Twain) is permanent and your behavior certainly isn’t.

Rich and Happy people get the value of language in dictating their mood and so can you, if you don’t already that is.

If you take control of your language and by that I mean internally as well as externally, then you’ll take control of your life. It really is that simple.

I have actually done a couple of YouTube clips on this topic and you can check out out How To Feel Better About Yourself and How To Be Miserable by clicking the links.