Criticism Is Never Personal

Everybody comes in for criticism at some time or other it’s part of being a human being. Having a life coaching blog that’s read by a few thousand people means I regularly receive it either in the comments or via e-mail and I can honestly say, it’s always welcomed.

I know for some people that seems like a strange thing to say, but the Rich and Happy approach it is very easy to grasp. It is either valid criticism and gives me an opportunity to learn, or it’s invalid and I can ignore it.

Sounds incredibly simple does it? That’s because it is, even though some people love to complicate it by second guessing others and trying to work out the meaning of life in every casual interaction, conversation and observation.

If you’re one of those people and you are adversely effected by criticism then this adopting this Rich and Happy technique will help you immensely.

Probably the most important part of this strategy is that you have to accept that criticism is never personal. I don’t care what anybody says to you or how well they know you, they are only ever telling you about themselves and their worldview, because that’s all any of us can ever do.

Think about it for a moment, every time somebody criticizes you they are really criticizing something you have or haven’t done, an action or a behavior.

You’re made up of millions of such actions and behaviors during your life time so it’s a little silly to believe a handful define you as an individual, no matter how much somebody wants to try and tell you they do.

There’s a well-known story about an incident in which somebody aimed an insult at The Buddha. The Buddha responded to the insult by saying;

“If somebody gives you a gift and you don’t accept it, who does the gift belong to?” The other person said, “It belongs to the person who gave it.” The Buddha said, “I don’t accept your insult, so it returns to you.”

Accepting that insults or heavy-handed criticism aren’t personal doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from them though because sometimes there can be valuable information contained within.

So let’s look at the strategy adopted by Rich and Happy people in more detail.

Ask For Feedback

If you don’t get a promotion, ask why. If you don’t get that publishing deal, ask why. If you don’t get that date, ask why. Often people wont offer feedback and without it, you are completely in the dark.

The cardinal sin here, is to not ask for feedback and then concoct your own reasons why you didn’t get the outcome you wanted. Not only will you probably get it wrong, but you’ll also make yourself miserable into the bargain. Where’s the sense in that?

Disassociate

When somebody starts to criticize you, take a metaphoric step back. View the situation from the position of a 3rd person and observe with curiosity as though you were watching a conversation between 2 people you don’t know.

Listen

Actively listen to what the other person is saying to you. Don’t start sifting your brain for clever put downs or reasons why they are wrong, just listen objectively and keep quiet.

Thank Them

It doesn’t matter what they said, thank them anyway. Even if it’s an insult, thank them sincerely. It will make you feel better and probably confuse the hell out of anybody trying to hurt you.

Evaluate

Is this criticism or feedback relevant to you? Is it true? Does it give you valuable insights to do a better job next time? Remain detached from the situation and stay in that state of curiosity. If in doubt ask other people whether they think it’s true, but make sure they are emotionally detached from the situation.

Learn

This is where the skills of reframing come into play because you have the ability to look at the feedback in anyway you choose, including if you so wish to send you into a funk.Has it told you some great stuff about yourself that you can now work on? Or has it told you the person you thought was a friend, really isn’t?

Move On

Put it behind you and do that the moment you have finished analyzing it. Don’t keep replaying it in your head ad infinitum and making yourself feel bad, there is zero value in that. Take the good stuff and use it and disregard the groundless insults.

I’m interested to know what your strategy for dealing with criticism is?

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